I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
