you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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