life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
