I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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