I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
