I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
