The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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