I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
