im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
