Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
