R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
