on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
