My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
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