a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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