Im at strip club and am horny
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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