allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
