I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
