I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
