i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
