I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
