I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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