I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
