i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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