Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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