All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Randomize
