Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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