Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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