The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
