his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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