I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
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