I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
