she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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