we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
