Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize