OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
cat food counts as protein by the way
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
