after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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