My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
DRUNK COOKIES
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