i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
