between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
