I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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