I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize