I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
