I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
