my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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