Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
