The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
