You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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