You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
