I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Randomize
