see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
