i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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