He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
