i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
