I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
